Blooming

Ok, so scratch last post. I have finally figured out how to stop this constant struggle with myself to get thin, be thin, I'll be happy when I'm thin, Matt likes me better when I'm thin, but I like to EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT. I have this insane HUNGER. Always hungry, hungry, hombre, HUNGARY, must eat now until I can't stuff anything else, eat until my sides hurt. Eat until my skin is stretched taunt against my stomach, and my eyes are glazed, my hair greasy, and my fingers stained with whatever confection I was/is/am consuming. Matthew teases me that I'm always hungry... and I am. I am always on a diet. Always depriving myself of the nutrition I need. I will eat my chicken, my turkey, my tuna, my greens, one small serving of fruit, and a few boiled red potatoes a day and then go home STARVING. I am empty. I am longing to feel full. So I grab a sugar-free pudding. Then a low-fat cheese stick, then I heat up a packet of instant grits, after all, it's only 100 calories, then more and more and more and more and then I'm in the drive thru of whataburger, hoping that they don't recognize my obnoxious car and that my supersize double cheeseburger, large french fries, large soda, and whatever fried pie is on special this month order doesn't offend this cashier. Does she recognize me? Does she remember this car? This cash? Are they talking about the poor fat girl in the yellow car that comes every week with crazed eyes and shaking hands? I AM NOT GOING TO DIET ANY LONGER. I AM ONLY GOING TO NOURISH MYSELF. I AM GOING TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY HUNGER LIKE AN OLD FRIEND. I am going to feel things, to let things bubble up, to cry, to reach out to God and my husband to fill me. Because, after all... this really isn't about food, it's about being filled. I was clever to think that food would do this for me. I learned at a young age that food was to be loved and feared, but now I'm tired of fearing it. I'm tired of not allowing myself what I want and what I need. No food is forbidden. I am going to heal myself. I am going to let it all in. I may fail at first. I'm terrified to tell Matthew about my revelation. I have just spend $250ish dollars on a diet program that I know will not work. I will lose the weight, fast, and then I will become obsessed with that food, and then I will turn into someone I don't like, and then I will quit the diet because my life will fall apart, and then I will be right back here. I don't know if he will understand. I gave him the books that led me on this path of discovery, but I don't know how he will respond. Will he accept me? Will he still love me not on a diet? Will he understand? I want with all my heart him to tell me that he will be here to fill my holes. To hold me. To nourish me. To allow me to FEEL. I want to feel. I long to feel whole.

BLOOM EVAH BLOOM.